To Satan's Gates and Back

Wednesday June 4th

We headed directly into the belly of the beast on Wednesday - Yellowstone. I’ve heard that this place will eat you alive and then spit you back out like a small frog that got caught in a blender and then set on fire. I figured this would be the best place to search for my soul since there exists an abundance of natural wonders, and that’s exactly what my soul is. Like attracts like, or so they say.



Here I am searching for my soul at one of Yellowstone’s serine lakes. It seemed peaceful and inviting, exactly the place my soul would want to be. I later learned that the lake was created by a volcanic explosion and was acidic enough to dissolve solid metal.

The abundance of people around Yellowstone’s hotspots drew us to a hike in the backcountry. Souls always like it where it’s quiet. It was hard to focus on my search there, however, since all I could think about was the possibility of a bear springing from a bush like an angry gypsy and clawing out my heart. To counter, I hid in a bush of my own and waited for a bear cub to come along. My plan was to snatch it and pretend to eat it, only to show the mother that I was just being playful.





Thursday, June 5th

On several occasions today my life almost ended, which is almost as bad as the fact that I haven’t pooped in six days. The dangers in Yellowstone are numerous, and my viciousness has grown accordingly to keep me alive.


Here I am stalking an elk (off camera) on top of an informational sign. I was warning the creature of my territorial bounds, and removed my clothing as a signal of intent. The land was dangerous, but so was I.

The elk is but one of the many beasts to fear in Yellowstone. Apparently the bison are capable of ravaging you so devastatingly that you will be thrown a great distance while your articles of clothing fly off. Clearly we wanted nothing to do with these demons, since I would never find my soul dead.



So we decided to get as close to one as possible, since I’m a scientist as well as soul-searcher. Besides, my territorial encounter with the elk left me emboldened like cheetah on steroids.



By the early evening we had destroyed the bison and I continued my search; Though I was more savage than the days before, it was no less important to me. I’ve read that ancient Indian tribes believed one’s soul could manifest itself in any number of natural objects like trees, rocks, and streams. When you finally find it, you commune with nature so intimately and powerfully that the heavens shake. Usually I laugh when I think of this because I think of how baked out of their minds with tribal mushrooms these Indians must have been to believe such a thing.



Later I found some rocks on which to sit pensively and ponder the metaphysical coordinates of my soul. I think there was something scenic in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention.



The ancient Greek’s believed that the soul can be found in one’s dream. Brennan and I had just watched Oprah undo Manamar’s typhoon damage while simultaneously giving each victim a car and fruit basket, so I was spiritual drained and needed a nap anyways. There is a reasonable chance that she holds my soul. I need to talk with her when I return home.



During my search I found an extraordinary natural phenomenon. Clearly it was a preservation of variable sedimentary deposition, but as to what minerals created such uniformity and vibrant colors is beyond me - probably beyond all of science.



I think that I’m going to start ending each long, contemplative day in some form of nudity. It’s incredible how close you can feel to the earth without any pants – the warm stench of nearby bison dung tickles the senses as the cool mountain breeze hardens the nipples. An internal joy emerges that is conducive to finding one’s soul. And I still have much finding to do.



Friday, June 6th

Today was a day of hydrothermal features - “Hydro”, the Greek word for water and “Thermal,” that for heat. The word is actually quite vague. When one passes gas in a pool or bathtub the requirements for a hydrothermal feature are met. Last night while Brennan was sleeping I passed gas in his tent. This was not a hydrothermal feature. Some believe that Yellowstone’s hydrothermal features are a result of shallow volcanic activity heating fallen rain in a network of cracks in the rockbed. I believe that these people are stupid. The theories of Intelligent Design tell us that complexity is unnatural – it needs a designer. Me.



Here I am forcing water out of a geyeser, what the locals call “Old Faithful.” I've forgotten of my powers, though they could serve useful during my search. Conjuring hydrothermal features is a pacifying thing, and this is good for soul searching since recent days have left me somewhat savage. Hopefully the number of small creature's lives I need to end to feel sastified will go down.



I whispered to the mountain and convinced it to spew forth its contents. The woman in the photograph was hospitalized because she unknowingly walked into my transcendental sphere – an often fatal mistake. The level of metaphysical pondering in the sphere is far too great for non-designers to pass through safely. We can only hoped she died.



Heat loving microbes called thermophiles provide the brilliant blue and green colors of these pools. Some are photosynthetic. Others feed off hydrogen sulfide that bubbles up from deep beneath. They are fun little bastards that I created while high. They have nothing to do with my search, but seem to be impressive to non-intelligent designers (everyone else).



Today we found an ethereal cloud. I’ve mentioned before that souls like quietness. They also like ethereal clouds. Since this was clearly worth searching, I decided it was best to so nude, in accordance with my previous findings concerning nudity. The clothing in the picture has been added with Photoshop, only to protect children that may read this intimate diary.