Wednesday, June 11th Today we arrived at Berkeley and homeless people abound. I come here to see my dearest sister during her pursuit of higher education. I suspect she does this only as an insult because she knows of my strongly religious nature and belief that science is the alter at which Satan lovers worship. Mystery is wonder, and understanding only leads to unhappiness. Though I love her, we can only hope she suffers in purgatory.
I hear this is a place of intellectual prowess, but all I see are shopping carts full of canned goods and blankets. Many of the cans are empty, but I don’t say anything to the owners because I don’t think they understand the difference. They ask me if I’ve ever lived inside a tree and if I know where their brother is. I tell them yes, but that their brother is dead. Sorry you had to find out this way.
We are staying in an abandoned apartment by the graciousness of my sister and the unknowingly owners. There exists a ferocious creature in this home that likely has the power to kill me and then run my dead body over with a car again and again if I should misstep. If my soul exists here, it will surely be destroyed by this creature. I again fear for Brennan’s life because he no longer has the ability (no appendages) to defend himself against an attack.
Thursday, June 12th
I’ve tamed the beast by sleeping with it.
Friday June 13th
Brennan and I ventured into the loins of homoeroticism by traveling into San Francisco. I assumed we would be given gay pornography in exchange for our entrance fee over the Bay Bridge, but we were not. We asked the Admissions technician for some, but he declined, instead giving us a funny half smile as he looked directly at Brennan’s crotch. He also asked us what we were doing later that night. Strange question.
As I wondered through the city the only thing I could think of was terrorism. We passed by culturally unique restaurants, clever antique shops, and sophisticated shopping centers, but all I saw were targets for terrorist weapons of mass destruction. I’d like to focus more on fighting terrorism during our stay, since it’s obvious the tranquility of national forests can’t provoke my soul out of hiding. I need more enemies to create danger. I think focusing on diabetes, aids, cancer, malaria, tuberculosis, heart failure, international genocide, or world-wide hunger would be a waste though because these things still haven’t told us of their intent to harm us. Not like terrorists have at least. John McCain says terrorism is a transcendental struggle, and finding my soul is all about transcending.
Today we also met the couple whose apartment we’ve been sleeping in. They are a kind folk, though I am suspicious of their friendliness - there’s a reasonable chance they are terrorists. They seem warm and genuinely welcoming, probably because they are Al Queada recruiters
Saturday June 14th
Today we scoured the city once more, though this time with the help of my gracious sister and her friend, a lesbian. I assumed she had a motorcycle and would strangle us with her fish stockings if we made her angry, but she possessed neither. In fact, she turned out to be a fun and beautiful Asian woman, the kind I thought only existed in Kalvin Klein adds to tease lesser men. Men like Brennan and I.
San Francisco is divided into distinct districts, each with a clever theme based mostly on race and ethnicity to attract tourists. We ate burritos in the Mexican Mission district, watched the Italians of North Beach, and finally saw gay pornography spilling into the streets in the Castro district. There are many others. I am very concerned with the bright colored flags that adorn Castro’s public squares. I believe they are markings to guide terrorist missiles to their appropriate targets – why else would they be so brightly colored as to resemble a rainbow? I tore down any flag I could find to save the city’s patriots because I’m determined to fight these godless terrorists. On a separate note, I was really hoping I would find my soul in the Mission district and that it would be Mexican (same as Latino). Then we would have had one thing in common: Burritos. I love them, my soul would love them, and we could laugh and dance in our sombreros to the rising sun.
The effects of Castro’s flamboyancy had a particularly strong effect on Brennan. Obviously I tried on my own set of adornments only to make him feel more comfortable in his own….
Here I am with two beautiful women. This is nothing new to me of course, since I’m a sexual beast capable of attracting everything that walks. I later found out that the girl on the left is my sister and the other a lesbian.
Sunday June 15th
We decided to accept an invitation to a free concert today and stay in San Francisco one more day. I still need one more day to protect these people from terrorism and one more day to discover if my soul is Mexican anyways. Please let him be Mexican, God. You know I don’t ask you for much and try to stay out of your way, only communicating when I want something. I’ve learned through Joel Osteen televised sermons that our relationship is supposed to like this. No man can squint his eyes for that long if he’s not telling the truth.
Anyways, it was a quaint concert, filled with friendly people and snuggled into a natural grove at the heart of the city. Wine and food flowed through that place like the Last Supper. If Jesus had snuck away to the woods and smoked pot this metaphor would be quite accurate.
I’ve discovered something very excited about my soul: It likes people. This also gives evidentiary support for my soul being a Mexican, since they are very friendly people. This also means that my soul is probably not a terrorist, since terrorist generally want to kill everyone. And everything that moves including small animals and trees that blow in the wind.
Tomorrow we head towards Southern California. I’ve heard that it’s an incredibly trendy place, so much so that striped, collard shirts are part of the dress code. Hopefully there’s terrorism to be fought and soul finding to be done there.
